Footprints

I heard a story awhile back. It's one of those stories no one can really confirm if it's true or not but the meaning is powerful.

A man in a dim bar was surprised to see the famous author, Ernest Hemingway sitting just down the counter from him. He approached the slightly inebriated author and through a strange course of events challenged the iconic writer to write a story in just six words. The man taunted Hemingway that it could not be done. As the man teased, Hemingway half interested scribbled on a napkin and handed it to the man, finished his drink and left. The napkin read: "For sale, baby shoes, never worn."

Lands like an anvil in your chest doesn't it?

Lately my short story might read "Footprints wanted but not seen."

Some of you may know I just got a tattoo last week (my first) of two footprints on my forearm (picture is below). After my miscarriage as I thought of a good way to have a memorial or remembrance, a tattoo stuck in my mind and I was fixated on two footprints that looked like ink prints when a child is born. I couldn't shake this image and I hassled my husband until he let me get it. So, 40 minutes and $120 dollars later, I had little footprints on my arm.

While the tattoo does obviously symbolize the grief of this loss, my memory of this unknown child and my desire to have children, it's taken on new meaning. I mentioned in my last blog Psalm 77 has been my friend and it continues to take shape in my heart the more I read it. This section has now been God's living word to me:

"Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen. You lead your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron." V. 19-20 ESV.

In Psalm 77 the writer is suffering somehow. He is crying and refusing comfort. He collects himself and asks if God has forsaken him and his people forever. The turning point comes when he says "then my soul made a diligent search" and the Psalmist lists God's faithfulness to Israel in delivering them out of Egypt, into the desert and through the Red Sea. He is making His soul remember the greatness, the goodness, the miraculousness of God to encourage his faith now when things seem very dark. What struck me was the line "yet Your footprints were unseen." And while the obvious meaning of God's invisible nature is present, I took something else. At times, in suffering, God's presence is not discernible- His form is unseen but it doesn't mean He is not leading you and shepherding you through your storm. Have you ever had something really difficult happen and it didn't seem supernatural, didn't feel God's presence when you hit the bottom but you do know you made it out- somehow you made it out into the light again. That's it. That's the time when His footprints are unseen.

I feel I am beginning to see light again. I haven't had any miraculous burning bush moments or really tender times of intimacy with God. It's probably looked a whole lot more like a kid throwing a tantrum that anything else. But I feel, I sense I am healing, feeling better, gaining more faith and hope. I can't really explain why other than I think God's making my way through this although I cannot perceive His footprints or His specific path. He leads me with footprints unseen.

So, when I take a look at my new arm- I remember that child who only God really knew, and the God who is leading me at times when I don't realize it. I hope this tattoo will continue to transform in meaning the longer I live with it...I also hope it doesn't transform too much as I age if you get my drift.

Reviving the Blog

So...I haven't been back in about a year and a half. Things just got busy, a job I didn't like then a job I did like, a pregnancy, a miscarriage and now career attempts and here I am again.

I don't really know who would read this other than my friends or my mom but maybe that's just enough. I wanted to have a place to record my thoughts and feelings and try to help someone else out there or have a place where someone could help me. I wanted to share some of my creative work too and get feedback so- this will just be an electronic outlet to my random life and random interests.

Now I am deciding if I back track and share the last year or just pick up where I feel I am today...let me backtrack a little.

Last fall I started praying "God something in my walk with you needs help, I don't know what it is but please change it." The words "desert" and "dry season" aren't really the right terms to use. "Desolate", "Alone", "Staggering" seemed more appropriate. In October Landon and I began praying for a baby. I felt these two things were starting to mesh together. I felt like God was telling me that in this process of wanting to have kids, He would be working to answer the frustration in my spirit. Now, keep in mind, October marked the time of our intentional prayer- we had not been able to get pregnant for 2 years and the doctor didn't have a diagnosis so this prayer time was after we had already hit a wall.

In October I swear my hormones changed and I was weeping, I mean weeping for no reason, I was sore, felt extremely emotional so much so that one night my sweet husband came home with flowers- and a pregnancy test but no baby.

The holidays came and went and I just sort of gave up charting my cycle out of disappointment and low and behold, I had just lost count and found myself 10 days late...I am NEVER late. I took one prego test and it was inconclusive (a very faint double line) and then went to my friend Kelly's for a real ER test and had her watch it develop. She screamed "Linds! Holy S$#@!" and we screamed together.

I was pregnant.

The morning sickness, doctors appointments, book purchases and comfort food all came to my delight. We told parents and friends and couldn't wait to meet this little person. I was surprised that after only 3 months of praying we had an answer!

Then on a Wednesday night, at 12 weeks of pregnancy, I started bleeding. The bleeding got worse, the pain got worse and my hopes failed. Landon and I stayed up watching movies. It is an awful feeling to know you will lose your baby, you will have to wait it out and there is nothing you can do about it. Around 2am it was over and I went to sleep.

Thursday we went to the doctors, ironically that day was supposed to be my first ultrasound. Now, on that screen I saw nothing, a vast emptiness that hit me to my core...there was nothing there.

The cacophony of pain and emotion that ensued hit me like a hurricane. I had emotions in depths I never felt, combinations of emotions I'd never felt, emotions I never expected to feel. Profound emptiness and meaninglessness, sadness, loss of motivation, anger, rage, hollowness, resignation, denial all over this little person no bigger than a peach.

The last 4 months for me have been a journey through not only this loss but the refining this loss has created. It seems the miscarriage was the catalyst to shake everything in me that could be shaken and leave me at the foundations of my faith: "Is He good?", "Can I trust Him?". I have raged at God on walks with my dog where I am sure I look like a crazy woman. I have cried at iphone commercials. I have felt the strange feeling of happiness and anger when a good friend tells me she is pregnant. I have had breakdowns, I have had good days, and I have had days where I really don't know how I am. I even got a tattoo and not a small one either.

To say the least about this time I am living honestly. I cannot fake my walk with God and I don't have the spiritual energy to just pick myself back up. I know better how to sympathize with those who have suffered loss. I have less answers for people and I cry more about everything. It has been harder than I ever imagined and I don't think its over.

I watched a movie about a mountain climber that survived an impossible descend (including falling off a cliff into an ice cave, miles and miles of getting down a mountain with a broken leg, no food, no water-you get the idea) and he called it "a great reduction" of himself. Like a sauce the heat was turned up and all the water, vinegar, all the filler gets boiled out and the only thing left is the pure flavor of your "reduction". So, this has "reduced" me and left me only with some basics.

So far I am seeing that God's design is not for me to live in independence, self sufficiency and unbroken success- He would rather I walk with a limp and lean on Him. That the basis of my relationship with Him is grace- that He loved me when I didn't love Him. And that I should come to Him, even if I am raging. Those are the answers I have right now. This is teaching me about God loving poverty, mourning, meekness and weakness as the jewels of His Kingdom.

I still cry at baby commercials and every once in awhile the sadness just comes back. I am still struggling a lot with what the future holds and how to know what God wants me to do. And I think at least once a week I still have a breakdown but for now, Psalm 77 is my constant friend and I am still walking- with a heavy limp.

Lily's Photoshoot Debut

So, I am learning more about photography and figuring out how to take better pictures. I made my puppy, Lily, my subject for a day and this is what came out, I think she's awesome.

Makeovers for Sale!

So, I am stuck in a dilemma many find themselves in today...how can I make a little more money but not hate my life and my schedule. And I thought to myself "I can do makeup, hair and I know how to take some good pictures so, what could I do with that?" And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: "Glamour Shots!".

Oh dear God, no, that can't be the big idea.

But hear me out! Brides, engaged couples, mamas-to-be and graduating seniors all want to look great for their pictures and I could do it. I could offer a package to do hair and makeup and do some photography and roll it all into one! I could be on to something here...

So, if you read my blog give me some feedback. I need some creative ideas of how to present this, how to price it, how to arrange it and I need help! OR let me know if you would like me to give you this opportunity, I would LOVE it! Thanks!

~Linds

PS- I did this with Elizabeth McMann- her pictures are in an earlier blog if you want to see my work!

The Beauty Blender makes a Guest Appearance on Glee!

Yes, the Beauty Blender has hit the big time (although, I think it was pretty big before). I was sitting at home, watching the season's re-runs and low and behold in the last scene I saw that little pink bubble. Kurt, who has just won his football team's only victory and his father's pride, is getting ready for the night. The camera shows him wiping is face with that little pink sponge although I am not sure what he's doing- applying toner? Well, whatever he was doing I just felt proud knowing what the heck that was and that I had one too...although mine looks a little worse for wear than his.

The Goody Spin Pin

I really like gadgets that make my life easier; so when I saw this little doodad that said it did the work of 20 bobby pins, my ears perked up. I bought the cute little pair of pins that looked like a DNA strand and started working...

The directions say to put your hair in a pony tail, twist your hair around in a bun and twist both pins into the bun (you screw it in basically). I would give it a "pretty good" rating and let me tell you why:

1. If you want the hair that won't be in the bun to be voluminous, messy, textured or anything other than plastered to your head then you still have to do that work outside the spin pin- it really is only a way to secure the hair in the bun

2. You girls with thin, straight, fine or no-texture hair will struggle with this tool. It is really ideal for women with medium to thick hair that has some texture in it. So, if you hair is straight you will need to curl and put some product in your hair to get this to work.

3. My hair did stay secure all night- very helpful (once I figured out the right places to screw in my pins- that you'll just have to work with)

So- that's my conclusion- its ideal of the messy bun, just like its advertised for. Girls with wavy, curly or thick hair this may be a great buy but if you have slick, thin or fine hair, this probably is not the product for you. It struggled a bit to keep straight hair together in a smooth bun.

So, think messy like this:


But keep in mind, the spin pin can't make all that amazing volume up top...

Heck, its just about $3 so just get some and try it.

My first official weddings

The four weeks of June have been the busiest of our whole summer- so it should be all down hill from here. Included in my steamy-hot June were 2 weddings: the first, my good friend Kelly Ramsey (now Kelly Couch) and my cousin-in-law (is that what I would call her?) Skylar Davis (now Skylar Sinkey). Kelly's face has already graced the pages of my blog multiple times but I am waiting on some photos from her photographer before I post her but I have a sneak peak of Skylar:



More photos of both brides will follow.

I was excited about these weddings because I faced two unique challenges: natural looking makeup and dramatic (but not too dramatic) eyes.

Kelly's fiance said "most makeup for girls on their wedding day looks like such sh#$@!" So, clearly the goal was to get Kelly's face to look natural but also even and not too shiny. Not an easy task because the above mentioned fiance said he didn't want to kiss her face and get a mouth full of foundation (good point). So, here's how I solved the problem and here's how you can too. I used two face prep products you may want to have in your makeup kit: mattifying moisturizer and makeup primer. I used a DDF mattifying moisturizer that while moisturizing the face also draws oil away from the face to take away shine. I followed that up with a Smashbox gel primer whose main job is to take away shine, fill in pores and fill in fine lines so whatever makeup is added to the face goes on smoothly.

I let those soak in and followed it up with a light application of liquid foundation (using my Beauty Blender of course). I would recommend a "sheer" coverage foundation if you are really wanting a natural look like this. Next I used a combination of foundation and concealer and applied it to any spots like pimples, scars, freckles or sunspots and blended in. I used the same thing under her eyes. Its important to note, if you use concealer on your face it must be the same color as your face- sometimes people buy a lighter concealer for under the eyes so don't use that lighter shade on your face. I finished Kelly with a light dusting of powder only in her T-Zone (forehead, nose, inner cheeks and chin). Remember, the most powder, the more the skin ages.

So, I think I pulled off the look but you can be the jury once you see pictures.

Now, to North Dakota for Skylar's wedding...

First, I was not originally the makeup artist for her, it just sort of happened and I'm really glad it did. When I showed up to the salon, Skylar was getting false lashes applied by her cousin Mandie (who is an eyelash master and btw recommends Dior mascara as the best she's ever used and this girl has used a lot of mascara so I believe her). Skylar started our session by telling me she wanted to go a little dramatic that she usually does (I love to hear that!) I knew I could get the most amount of drama out of her brown eyes. I figured a subtle smokey eye, a sparkling natural eye or a color eye. She seemed to like the idea of a sparkling natural eye. So, using all metallics, I highlighted her brow, filled the lid with a sparkling peach and accented her crease with my favorite shiny brown from Urban Decay called "Twice Baked". Now, we went on a limb and did a slight cat eye (woo hoo) and this was the "out of the comfort zone" moment. I am really proud of Skylar because she stuck with it and she told me later she was so glad she did.

So- all in all Skylar still looked like herself with just a little more pizazz (and I LOVE pizazz). More photos will follow as I get them but as for my first round of weddings- not too shabby.