Recently (1/9/2009) I was laid off from my job. It was a bittersweet moment. I was glad to leave in some ways because I wasn't passionate about it. I was sad to leave because we need money.
So, in the spare time I have had in between job searches, phone calls and resume sending, I have been forced to face some of my most unfavorite questions: "What are you passionate about?", "What do you feel called to?", "What do you want to do?" and my all time favorite "What is God telling you?". So far my response to each of these is, "I don't know, I am in crisis right now, I can't think."
I can recall that even in high school the things I enjoyed never paid well. Like for example, volunteer work. I love it but it's voluntary. I love ministry with Landon, I love the prayer room, I love worship, art and graphic design...each of which I can't get anyone to pay me a salary for. I have just enough courage and faith (or immaturity and short sightedness not sure which yet) to just throw caution to the wind, do ministry and the prayer room and pray that God would pay the mortgage. It scares me to death.
The question in the bottom of my gut that I don't like to deal with is "What are you going to do with your life?" Because I want so badly for my life to be significant, meaningful and without regret. I want to die knowing I didn't hold anything back for Christ to be revealed in me and to the world but at times I feel so powerless to make that happen. I feel powerless over my life having significance...there I just articulated the thing that's been foggy this last week. I feel powerless in having a significant life. Wow, blogs are helpful. I guess I must begin there and work my way up. I'll keep you posted.
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